Las Culturistas Blog
Bill Gates Reveals 'Miserable' Divorce from Ex-Wife Melinda 'Was the Mistake I Regret the Most'
By: Spike Rogers Published: 1-25-25 9pm
"I Don't Think So, Honey! BILL GATES SAYING HIS DIVORCE WAS A MISTAKE?! No, sweetie, the mistake was thinking you could keep a marriage together with vibes and a Microsoft Outlook calendar invite! I DON'T THINK SO, HONEY! You’re out here acting like love is just another Windows update—babe, it’s not gonna work if you keep clicking 'remind me later!' And let's talk about ‘miserable,’ Bill! I have seen that man in a fleece vest too many times to believe he knows what happiness even looks like!" "AND ANOTHER THING, you regret it the most? Out of ALL the things you’ve done, billionaire Bill? I don't think so, honey! Let’s just take a casual scroll through your portfolio, babe. Climate change? Global wealth inequality? Windows Vista?! The divorce is what’s haunting you at night? PLEASE. Give Melinda her peace, leave the memoir-worthy regrets to people who didn’t invent Clippy, and maybe, JUST MAYBE, stop talking about your personal life like it's the stock market crash of 2008!" "AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED on how the real tragedy here is that we, the people, have to sit through this divorced-man rebrand era where you’re sad in cashmere and writing LinkedIn posts about personal growth! I DON’T THINK SO, HONEY! Take that guilt and invest it in something we actually need—like fixing the Excel toolbar or making your philanthropy do something that doesn't scream 'I'm sorry, Melinda!' Bill, love is not a software patch you can just debug, honey! MOVE ON!"
People Mag Location: Silicon ValleyJustin Baldoni Claims No Signs of Sexual Harassment Here!!!
By: Spike Rogers & Ko Wright Published: 1-25-25 9pm
Spike Rogers: I DON'T THINK SO, HONEY!!! The It Ends With Us "raw footage" drama!!! What are we doing here, people?! This is a movie adaptation of a Colleen Hoover book, not The Blair Witch Project! Why are we watching behind-the-scenes B-roll like it’s the Zapruder film?! I’m sorry, but I don’t need to see Justin Baldoni, in his directorial era, posting “raw” footage to prove what?! That Blake Lively wasn’t being sexually harassed?! Like, BABE. It’s called MOVIE MAKING! You think Spielberg is out here leaking unedited West Side Story footage to clear his name?! NO! He lets the work SPEAK FOR ITSELF!
Ko Wright: YES, exactly, Spike! I DON'T THINK SO, HONEY!!! Justin Baldoni trying to make this whole thing into an exposé of “What REALLY Happened on Set!” Like, bro, you are not dropping a Netflix true crime doc! You're giving Lifetime movie energy at best! And let’s be real, the real crime here is the wigs in this movie. You’re showing us “raw footage,” but have you considered showing us better hairpieces? I’m sorry, but Blake Lively is serving Claire’s clearance rack and NOT in a fun way!
Spike Rogers: YES!! And I DON’T THINK SO, HONEY, people acting like this behind-the-scenes clip is supposed to be groundbreaking. Like, we’re supposed to watch a bunch of actors awkwardly fake dance in a bar and be like, “Wow, cinema!” NO!! It looks like a senior prom afterparty at a Buffalo Wild Wings, and honestly, I’m tired!
Ko Wright: I DON’T THINK SO, HONEY!! If you’re gonna show us raw footage, at least give us something JUICY! Like, where’s the footage of Blake Lively in full method arguing about the script? Where’s the clip of someone storming off set because someone mispronounced “Colleen Hoover”? WHERE’S THE DRAMA?! Instead, we get a bunch of blurry dancing like it’s a deleted scene from Step Up: Discount Edition!
Spike Rogers: And you know what? I DON'T THINK SO, HONEY, this whole “no sexual harassment” disclaimer! Like, BABE, that should go WITHOUT SAYING. If you’re putting out a movie and need to clarify “no crimes were committed,” maybe… just maybe… something’s off??
Both: IT ENDS WITH US??? NO, IT ENDS RIGHT NOW!!!
Rules of Culture: Mysterious Fast Radio Bursts Oiginated from Wildly Different Places in Space
By: Ko Wright Published: 1-25-25 10pm
1. Rule of Culture: pretending you totally understand what an FRB is, but deep down you’re like, “So it’s basically an alien text message, right?”
2. Rule of Culture: reading “astrophysicists have traced the bursts” and thinking, “They should trace my texts to my ex instead.”
3. Rule of Culture: insisting that these signals are just the universe’s way of saying “slay.”
4. Rule of Culture: NASA scientists being like, “We finally found the source!” while gay Twitter is like, “We knew it was a diva all along.”
5. Rule of Culture: waiting for the FRB to reveal it’s been a marketing stunt for the next Dune movie.
6. Rule of Culture: an ancient galaxy 8 billion light-years away sending us signals, and Earth responding with a meme of Oprah shrugging.
7. Rule of Culture: the FRBs being the universe’s way of reminding us that we are not the main character.
8. Rule of Culture: believing these signals are proof that aliens are real, and they are also in their flop era.
9. Rule of Culture: asking if the FRB is single, because long-distance can work if it’s the right one.
10. Rule of Culture: every scientist thinking they’re Jodie Foster in Contact, but in reality, they’re Matthew McConaughey.
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From Wikipedia: Bowen Yang (born November 6, 1990) is an American actor, comedian, podcaster, and writer. Yang was hired to join the writing staff of the NBC sketch comedy series Saturday Night Live in September 2018, ahead of its 44th season, and a year later was promoted to on-air cast status for SNL's 45th season. He made history in 2021 becoming the first SNL featured player to be nominated for a Primetime Emmy Award. He was promoted to repertory status before the 47th season.
From Wikipedia: Las Culturistas is a pop-culture and comedy podcast co-hosted by Bowen Yang and Matt Rogers, produced by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players podcast network and iHeartRadio. It started in March 2016. Vulture has praised it for being original and avoiding guests that might rehash stories told elsewhere. Time rated it one of the 50 best podcasts in its 2018 list. It received a Best Podcast nomination for the 2019 Shorty Awards and won the Podcast of the Year award at the 2023 iHeartRadio Awards.
From Wikipedia: Matt Rogers (born March 5, 1990) is an American comedian, actor, writer, podcaster, television host, and recording artist. He is best known for co-hosting the pop culture podcast Las Culturistas with Bowen Yang since 2016. Rogers has been cited in academic work for his insight into the entertainment industry. He does an annual Christmas tour every December called The Prince of Christmas. He is currently featured in the Netflix show No Good Deed as real estate agent Greg Boycelane.